The weather was abnormally hot, and the ground under my feet soon
became a pool of sweat. My head was dizzy, a signal of impending heatstroke.
However, I had to force my legs to move, since I was fully aware of unbearable
consequences I would have to bear after being caught. With a shiny trophy
inscribed with the name "Brad" clutched in my slippery right hand, I
forced myself forward. Believe it or not, I was trying to take away a math
olympiad trophy that my haughty Australian friend, Brad, received for achieving
the 1st place in the math competition.
The weather when I first met Brad was stormy and cold, and Brad
was standing among windblown leaves with his gruesome braces emitting eerie
light despite absence of sunlight. Such atmosphere and ominous braces seemed to
imply an inauspicious relationship between me and Brad, who occasionally
boasted his mathematic skills and taunted others for being inferior to him in
the field. Since I perceived numbers and "x and y" as meaningless
pictures that had no relevance with my life, Brad's acrid remarks regarding my
pathetic skills in performing simple algebra did not incite any antipathy
towards him. One day, however, Brad came to me and began to flaunt his
mathematic skills by shoving shiny golden math olympiad trophy right in front
of my nose. Such boasting was Brad's everyday repertoire, and paying no
attention to his pompous behaviors was my usual reaction towards his math-related
invective. But one word aggravated that day: "Stupid Asian."
He chose the wrong
diction, and he certainly chose a wrong enemy.
To repay all the
humiliation that Brad kindly gave to me, I decided to steal his trophy and run
away.
One sunny, humid afternoon, I was standing in front of
Brad's desk, staring at Brad's golden trophy, his only pride. I might have
pondered on 'To steal, or not to steal, that is the question.' in front of
Brad's desk if my heart was weak, but my firm decision and strong will to torment
our young mathematician made me resolved to steal his golden trophy. I
decided to steal it and throw it away into a place that a math genius like Brad
could never find until he became too aged and feeble to hold a pencil. I
grabbed the trophy and ran away from the classroom with unimaginable speed.
Unfortunately, Brad and his parents, who were discussing Brad’s academic
achievements with a headmaster, spotted a dark- faced Asian boy fleeting with a
gleaming trophy clutched in his right hand. They immediately chased after me,
and I ran for my life. I ran across a vast, green football field, sprinting as
fast as possible so that old grumpy Brad’s parents and arrogant Brad could not
catch up to me. However, their aspiration for getting that trophy was stronger
than my antipathy towards Brad, and I was just about an inch away from them at
a side walk in front of the school’s dunny. Suddenly, my right hand became
loose due to vigorous chasing, and a golden trophy flew towards the path of a
passing truck. “Crack!” The trophy broke into two, and I exclaimed “Yes!” for
achieving my grand goal. Of course, I got caught immediately after the death of
the trophy.
I had to spend all day in my headmaster’s office with my parents,
enduring shouts and cries that were incontrovertibly louder than a sonic boom.
Brad continued to stare at me, eyes full of detest and misery. In contrast, I
stared at him with a benign, pleased look, an arrogant composure that a winner
exhibits to a looser. Today, when I solve complicated math problems, Brad’s
dismayed face and his golden trophy broken into bits often appear as fond
reminiscence in front of my eyes. It was a pleasing experience
it's quite funny
답글삭제First Draft Comments:
답글삭제Wow. Funny story that is easy to imagine as if it were a short film. Your diction and sarcastic tone is a delight, and you write as if you’re an elderly Englishman (perhaps Tame) reflecting on a youthful folly. What is even more interesting is that you don’t regard this incident as a folly, but instead an inspiration to impress Mr. Hinde. Revenge is sweet. How much of this story is fact and how much is stretched into the territory of “faction”? It doesn’t matter, because it was a fun roller-coaster type read that kept me engaged from start to finish. You have an expansive vocabulary that houses these Word Smart words quite nicely, and the tone you master is highly suited to your Aussi-tinged prose. Except you should call the toilet a “dunny.”
Things to improve? Not much. Kind of perfect. You bring “Brad” to life in such an ingenious way. Virtually no reader will mourn the death of his trophy. Excellent work.
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Second Draft Comments:
Every bit as enjoyable as the first draft. What is most impressive is that this was written in class in 45 minutes, with out time to spend really brainstorming ways to make Brad so detestable. Great work.
As for changes, I didn't think you needed any, but it does seem you jazzed things up a bit, and you even go as far to include "dunny" instead of toilet. : ) Coolness.
I like the pictures at the bottom, and it even appears you Photoshopped some braces on that smiley face. Detail oriented!
One thing that kind of sticks out as a little bit awkward (that wasn't so in the first draft) is the transition from where you ponder stealing the trophy, followed by the call to action. The story seems to begin again. It works "decently," but might be a bit of an abrupt transition for some readers. A bit of a small bump.
All in all, great job!